Two-faced

On Christmas Eve we eagerly await the arrival of old beardy and his gifts. 

This chilling image reminds us all, he's a two-faced idiot who hasn't got a clue. 

It doesn't matter what you've put on your list, he's bored, he's tired and your getting an iron. 

Happy Christmas, all! 

Out of the mouths of babes...

Christmas can be a tiring and stressful time for Mommy. 

Good job these little cherubs have some sage advice for the festive period, eh?

Terrific conversation piece

'Terrific conversation piece' - presumably a conversation that begins with the question 'What the hell were you thinking, buying me this?'

Shall I become a model, or a fashion designer?

These jokers would have been suspended from my school for this kind of thing! 

No sneaky home-made Ouija boards down the bottom of the playing fields for these brazen occultists. 

'Makes a great Christmas present for anyone who likes the fascinating experience of exploring the unknown...' 

Santa's surprise

So many questions about this image... 

Goodbye toothache

It is always wise to be prepared for those minor maladies come the festive season. 

Say 'goodbye' to toothache, and 'hello' to the party! 

Pipe Appeal...

Pipe Appeal. *Snigger*. Prince Albert. *Snigger*. 

Make your own jokes. 

Now, that would be a surprise...

Why not amaze your family with this very real surprise this holiday?

It looks delicious! Are those peas embedded in the tomato sponge? Yum! 

You've been reading those letters wrong...

Ohhh Santa, you... of all people...

Harmless fun

'Help your boy grow'. 'Harmless fun'. 'In a size to suit the younger as well as the older boys'. Yup.

Ideal for the sick room

Want to treat a loved one to a spa treatment, a luxurious beauty product or a pampering treat? 

Don't bother - just get them a Minipoo.

The Most Sensible Christmas Present

I cannot imagine this would be 'a constant pleasant reminder of the giver', even if it does 'quicken the intellect'. 

I wonder if the free illustrated book is still available. 

Husbands and wives

This offends on all levels. Nice work, Dormeyer. 

For your personal use

Vibra-Finger - for your personal use. You know, for... gum massage...

Why is Mommy always so cross?

Any 'Mommy's feeling cross around this time of year?

Maybe it is because your toilet roll is full of splinters? 

You shouldn't have...

Wow, Santa - you shouldn't have. On so many levels, you really shouldn't have...

A Christmas to remember

Give a 7 year old a gun and it certainly will be a 'Christmas to remember'...

You know what they always say...

Snigger. Snigger. 

Ways to please a lady

There are many ways to please a lady, but be assured, this is not one of them. Even if it is 'America's Most Distinctive Toaster'. Still a shit idea. 

Sure-to-please

How do you guarantee a handkerchief? Do they just wink out of existence on day 366? How exactly do I claim on this guarantee should the handkerchiefs that caused such merriment in December let me down horrifically come July? Is the 'charmingly gay variety' of 'fancy Christmas boxes' guaranteed too? 

This raises more questions than it answers, before we even deal with the implausible statement that hankies are 'sure-to-please'. Get it sorted, Pickles. 

Why rack your brains?

What rack your brains, indeed, fellas? Let me reassure you, this is NOT the gift that 'she' wants but doesn't ask for. 

Comments like 'this floor is covered in crap' is not intended as a subtle hint - except maybe that you should clean up. 

Getting bottled

She's being kind. Be prepared to get bottled should you invest in such a gift. 

Presidential gifting

Wow. This guy looks like an ideal candidate for President! 

What mother really wants...

Welcome to the first window on this, now annual, advent calendar blog. Once again, I am attempting to provide something of an antidote to the tinsel-tossed schmaltz that tends to swamp us at this time of year.

I've decided this year to share some of the most outrageous festive advertising of yesteryear I've come across. Arguably, none of those featured are quite as offensive or ill thought-through as this year's House of Fraser television ad campaign. Urgh. But, anyway - brace yourself for all manor of inappropriate gift suggestions,

We begin with this ad, which probably quite accurately reflects what many mothers do 'really want' come the big day.
I particularly love the look of gay merriment on this lady's face as she swings her new piece wildly around the room - presumably shortly after Delia's stuffing recipe went tits up and someone dared to ask if there was any bread sauce...